Monday, June 11, 2012


A happy, smiling, giggly girl, that's the me I project. That's the me that I love. One part Pollyana, one part Laughing Sally. A silver lining, a bright side, a reminder that not all is doom and gloom. A big plus sign of positivity. But we all know you can't be all sunshine and bacon, there is always another side. My other side, the brooding girl who is never good enough, she hides in an ostrich hole, only coming out in the safety of my home. My home, my office, my prison, my life. This is where I retreat to when life seems too big to handle. I don't reach out. I don't make phone calls and lunch dates. In fact, I pretty much gave up on answering the phone and making any calls at all. I didn't have anything to share or to offer.

{if i ever feel better, remind me to spend some good time with you}

The last year has been a  big hibernation year for me...and I thought all sorts of things. I'm too old to not know what I want to do with my life. Look at all of these great, together people I know on Facebook, the creative geniuses on Pinterest, the comic masters of Twitter..I'm none of those. and I started to be really mean to myself, shoulda-ing all over the place. I felt really lost, like I knew I wanted to do something new, something fun, something tangible and meaningful ..but I didn't know what. and that's a terrible, useless feeling. and then add to that, getting months behind in my rent, mooching off of my generous sister, not having even a clue as to how to make that cash. Feeling like I was disappointing my husband, burdening him with my mental masturbation. Betraying all of my friends, feeling like I'm not much of friend to have at all, grieving still for my grandma...I had moments of wanting to give up. I won't lie. I've been in those depths before, I've visited often in my 35+ years. I tried once when I was 20. I felt like there was no future and that I wasn't destined for this earth for long. It was such a terrible mistake and I am really thankful that I threw up and was able to grow up. I'm still here and I'm shaking off this death wish, but it's a hard one. I didn't realize until recently how much it had infested my whole life. I didn't really think I would be here long enough to do anything, achieve anything, learn anything..create anything. I'm flipping that on it's head and stabbing it through the heart.

Because even though I've been living in the dark, there have been those shining moments; getting to work with, getting to know and touring with Gabby, cash mobbing with Melissa, eating cake, raising kittens, hanging out with the family. Loving my husband. and I got a job. I applied for nearly everything under the sun. Not really wanting to get back into the system, the daily grind..but not able to make it any other way. Until one day I looked at Craigslist and there was a listing for an assisstant. and it read almost like my life itself. and I got it. In fact, I said to my sister; "I'm the best for something!" and I really felt that way. A year or two of no call backs, failed interviews, pointless information sharing had taken it's toll. But this new job, assisting Charissa at Curly-Cue Design has breathed fresh air into my lungs. I'm unafraid of my sewing machine, making upcycled clothes like the world was on fire...helping to tighten the lug nuts on the tires of this business. We work in her home studio, in the beautiful northern california west's been great for a lot of things. and especially for my psyche.

So, as I digress, I felt like I needed to unload some of these truths, so as I move forward, I'm doing it with less baggage. Fewer chips on my shoulder. One less monkey on my back. I've not been a faithfull blogger, because like in the rest of my life, I have felt like there wasn't much to share. Not that I needed to brag all the time, but Pollyana only wants to blog about sunshine. But I'm here to say that I want more TRUTH and the truth is, there are moments of pea soup fog and heavy rains..and I'll be sharing those too. I will write instead of hibernate. I will reach out instead of hiding away.

ps...what truth are you hiding and what do you do to make it better?


  1. thank you for sharing this elaine, your words were beautiful and i am so happy for you;-) always here for you, to learn from you, to help inspire you, just to be there with you. love you always!

  2. I love you Jen!! Thank you!! You inspire me to no end!!